Now's Your Chance to Change Your Life

So many times we go through life, something happens and we tell ourselves "something needs to change" or "this time is going to be different."And how many times do we actually follow through on that promise? I'll tell you this, there have been many times over the course of my own life where I've said that I need to make a change or I need to work on me. And guess what? I would stay with it for a short while and as the saying goes "old habits die hard" and I would slip back into my old ways not learning anything or improving.

This time something's changed though...I'm finally following through on the commitment that I made to myself and to someone who is extremely important to me. Maybe it just took me hitting rock bottom to realize that I really did need to take a look at myself and how I was impacting my own life and not how others were 'seemingly'impacting it.

The answer to the help I needed, surprised me...but in reality, I knew the answer all along, I just didn't want to see or hear it. Turning back to God and leaning on Him, relying on his strength and wisdom and knowing that He has a plan for me and my best interests in mind was one of, if not, the smartest decisions I've ever made. I've probably had more conversations with God in the last 4 weeks then I have in the last 4 years...rather sad realizing that. But now, I make it a point to talk to Him every day. He may not always answer, but I know He's listening. I also know that I need to listen to Him more too....still working on that aspect. But I am forever a work in progress. :-)

What am I learning? A lot actually. I'm learning patience (and if you know me, you know that's not my strong suit). Now that's not to say that suddenly I'm the most patient person you'll ever meet, but I am getting better. And I'm consciously realizing when I'm being impatient and making notes on how to do better in the same situation next time. I'm learning to be kinder and gentler. I was recently told that I can be condescending and mean...now, that's tough to hear because I don't want to be a mean person. And actually hearing that that's how I'm perceived by others (including those who I love and love me) is like a slap in the face bringing me back to reality. One would think that I would take hearing that poorly and maybe at one time in my (not too long ago) I would have reacted differently. Instead, I said thank you and this is something that I will make an active effort to improve and apply in my life and relationships.

While there will continue to be bumps in the road and curve balls thrown my way, I know that I'm in a better place right now to handle whatever comes my way. This is an amazing Voyage of Discovery that I'm on and I hope that you'll continue to come along for the ride.

Where to Begin

I've been away for quite sometime. We all know the cliche, life gets in the way. And yes, life has definitely gotten in the way recently. Over the past several weeks, I've done a tremendous amount of introspection. What triggered this sudden need to take a closer look? A few weeks ago, something rocked me to my core...funny how that works, but that experience is what took me to snap out of my current haze and open my eyes. And to be honest, as much as I didn't want the outcome to be what it is (and don't want it) and as much as I wish I could have realized it sooner to prevent said outcome...I don't think I would have made the realizations I have without it happening. And I know what I'm saying is quite vague, but the experience is not something that I'm ready to openly share just yet (and for those that know me and are aware, I trust that you will respect my privacy).

The funny thing is, that not too long ago I knew that something was wrong. In a conversation with my best friend and love of my life, I said to him that I don't know who I am anymore. We talked about it for a bit and then moved on to the next topic of conversation. And oddly enough, by saying out loud that I didn't know who I was anymore wasn't enough to make me pause and figure out what was going on and what I needed to do to address it. Why? Maybe I was scared, or wasn't ready to truly admit it or know where to start or wasn't ready to face it head on. All I do know is by trying to sweep it under the rug completely blew up in my face.

So what did I do? What am I doing? I started to dive deep into the person I had become...and let me tell you, I didn't like a lot of what I saw. Sure, there's still a lot of good qualities and while no one is perfect, some of my imperfections had taken such a strong-hold over me that it was hard to see the good. Those suffocating imperfections include: stubbornness, pride, selfishness, jealousy and insecurity. Not easy to see or admit either.

How do I fix this? How do I heal? I turned back to my faith. I turned to the One that no matter what I do, no matter how bad it is He will be there to embrace me and give me all of His love, patience, kindness, strength and forgiveness. By placing my faith and trust with God, I know He will help me through. God has a plan for all of us and through this I'm hoping I can understand His plan for me.

More to come, so stay tuned...it's going to be a voyage of discovery.