The Instant Mood Enhancer

While I've been working on improving myself on the inside, I'm also working on improving how I look on the outside. When I started on this recent journey a month ago, I thought the outside would be easier to work on then the inside. I was really surprised to find that it's been easier to work on my daily personal development then it has to keep up with my workouts. Over the course of the past month, I wouldn't let myself lapse or make an excuse to skip a day in reading, listening to personal development or even having a conversation with God. Workouts and even eating well in the last month has been a different story. Eating-wise, my appetite has been up and down. It probably took a good 2 weeks before I really had an appetite, where I felt hungry versus forcing myself to eat because I knew that I needed to. And when I was eating...it was more picking, not making the best choices, and definitely wasn't planning my meals out.

Workouts, well they were even worse. I would come home and be exhausted or sad or make the excuse that it was too late and wouldn't workout. The funny thing is that I know better than that. I know that 9 times out of 10, when I workout, I feel a million times better after the workout then I did before I started. It is seriously my instant mood enhancer/changer. But I just didn't want to do it. I let the fact that I was so sad/depressed takeover my drive to feel better. I'm supposed to be setting an example for others to want to strive to be better and do better and I was doing a horrible job. Then something happened...a little over a week ago, I made the decision that I wasn't going to allow myself to go any deeper down that dark path. I pretty much had a "Come to Jesus"talk with myself. The frustration, pain, sadness and depression weren't going to define me...I wasn't going to let myself give up. So I picked myself back up and did what any normal woman would do in my situation...I went Extreme.

I've had Autumn Calabrese's 21 Day Fix Extreme program since February, but I haven't touched it. When I purchased it in February, I was in the middle of completing Insanity MAX:30 and then I spent 2 weeks in Italy. I came home with a knee injury and was sidelined for several weeks. My excuse for not starting the 21DFX program was that I couldn't just jump right into an extreme workout program after not working out in basically a month. So I did a little here and did a little there, but it wasn't enough. However, I was no longer going to use the excuse that I was out of shape or I couldn't do it. It was time to stop being my own worst enemy and just jump in with both feet. And yeah, this program is not a walk in the park by any means and is about 10 times harder than the original 21 Day Fix, but I'm so glad that I'm doing it. It's only 3 weeks, and within a week I'm already noticing differences. I'm getting stronger, my endurance is building and I've hit my stride again. I'm back to looking forward to my workouts and not considering them a chore.

Don't let anyone tell you (including yourself) that you can't do something. You can accomplish whatever you set your mind to...don't ever forget that.

Now's Your Chance to Change Your Life

So many times we go through life, something happens and we tell ourselves "something needs to change" or "this time is going to be different."And how many times do we actually follow through on that promise? I'll tell you this, there have been many times over the course of my own life where I've said that I need to make a change or I need to work on me. And guess what? I would stay with it for a short while and as the saying goes "old habits die hard" and I would slip back into my old ways not learning anything or improving.

This time something's changed though...I'm finally following through on the commitment that I made to myself and to someone who is extremely important to me. Maybe it just took me hitting rock bottom to realize that I really did need to take a look at myself and how I was impacting my own life and not how others were 'seemingly'impacting it.

The answer to the help I needed, surprised me...but in reality, I knew the answer all along, I just didn't want to see or hear it. Turning back to God and leaning on Him, relying on his strength and wisdom and knowing that He has a plan for me and my best interests in mind was one of, if not, the smartest decisions I've ever made. I've probably had more conversations with God in the last 4 weeks then I have in the last 4 years...rather sad realizing that. But now, I make it a point to talk to Him every day. He may not always answer, but I know He's listening. I also know that I need to listen to Him more too....still working on that aspect. But I am forever a work in progress. :-)

What am I learning? A lot actually. I'm learning patience (and if you know me, you know that's not my strong suit). Now that's not to say that suddenly I'm the most patient person you'll ever meet, but I am getting better. And I'm consciously realizing when I'm being impatient and making notes on how to do better in the same situation next time. I'm learning to be kinder and gentler. I was recently told that I can be condescending and mean...now, that's tough to hear because I don't want to be a mean person. And actually hearing that that's how I'm perceived by others (including those who I love and love me) is like a slap in the face bringing me back to reality. One would think that I would take hearing that poorly and maybe at one time in my (not too long ago) I would have reacted differently. Instead, I said thank you and this is something that I will make an active effort to improve and apply in my life and relationships.

While there will continue to be bumps in the road and curve balls thrown my way, I know that I'm in a better place right now to handle whatever comes my way. This is an amazing Voyage of Discovery that I'm on and I hope that you'll continue to come along for the ride.

What is happiness?

What is happiness? This can be a very loaded question. When I think about happiness, I think...what truly makes one happy? Is it money, power, a job, looking a certain way, love? I believe that we all have our own definitions of what makes us happy, however I also know that we also think about what we 'think' will make us happy (a trap that I fall into often).

So many times you hear someone say: Oh, if I can lose 20 pounds, then I'll be happy. Or. If we get married, then everything will be perfect and I'll be happy. Or, if I can just make $30K more than what I'm making now, I won't have to worry so much about making ends meet and I'll be happy. Or if we can have a baby, then life would be complete and we'll be happy. And the list goes on. But the truth is, 9 times out of 10 if you're thinking that if one of these things occurs that you'll instantly no longer be unhappy...you better think again and start looking at the root of your unhappiness. In other words, what's holding you back from being happy.

On the reality show, The Biggest Loser, contestants compete to see who can lose the most weight. And if you've ever watched the show, you know that the contestants' transformations are much more than losing weight and getting healthy. Many, if not all, of them are dealing with demons that they may or may not be consciously aware of at first, but once the realization hits it's time to go to work to remove those demons. Sure, they can take the pounds off, but in order to really transform and heal they need to remove the emotional weight as well.

Going back to my previous post, where I said that I've done a lot of personal inspection into who I am (who I've become), I painfully became aware that for me to be happy then I need to do some cleansing on the inside. Because I'm learning that as the emotional weight (baggage) gets lifted, the happier I become. Now I'm not saying that within a few short weeks that I've found all of the answers and am doing cartwheels because I found my happiness. However, step-by-step I'm finding my inner peace and I know that once I'm able to be rid of the emotional weight that everything else will fall into place. I've put my faith in God that He will guide me throughout this process and won't let me fail.

Where to Begin

I've been away for quite sometime. We all know the cliche, life gets in the way. And yes, life has definitely gotten in the way recently. Over the past several weeks, I've done a tremendous amount of introspection. What triggered this sudden need to take a closer look? A few weeks ago, something rocked me to my core...funny how that works, but that experience is what took me to snap out of my current haze and open my eyes. And to be honest, as much as I didn't want the outcome to be what it is (and don't want it) and as much as I wish I could have realized it sooner to prevent said outcome...I don't think I would have made the realizations I have without it happening. And I know what I'm saying is quite vague, but the experience is not something that I'm ready to openly share just yet (and for those that know me and are aware, I trust that you will respect my privacy).

The funny thing is, that not too long ago I knew that something was wrong. In a conversation with my best friend and love of my life, I said to him that I don't know who I am anymore. We talked about it for a bit and then moved on to the next topic of conversation. And oddly enough, by saying out loud that I didn't know who I was anymore wasn't enough to make me pause and figure out what was going on and what I needed to do to address it. Why? Maybe I was scared, or wasn't ready to truly admit it or know where to start or wasn't ready to face it head on. All I do know is by trying to sweep it under the rug completely blew up in my face.

So what did I do? What am I doing? I started to dive deep into the person I had become...and let me tell you, I didn't like a lot of what I saw. Sure, there's still a lot of good qualities and while no one is perfect, some of my imperfections had taken such a strong-hold over me that it was hard to see the good. Those suffocating imperfections include: stubbornness, pride, selfishness, jealousy and insecurity. Not easy to see or admit either.

How do I fix this? How do I heal? I turned back to my faith. I turned to the One that no matter what I do, no matter how bad it is He will be there to embrace me and give me all of His love, patience, kindness, strength and forgiveness. By placing my faith and trust with God, I know He will help me through. God has a plan for all of us and through this I'm hoping I can understand His plan for me.

More to come, so stay tuned...it's going to be a voyage of discovery.